I worked hard yesterday cleaning up my place for some arriving company.
I seem to find (make??) the time for it once a week to keep on top of things. I can't wash my plywood floors but I do vacuum them. I pick up the nests that accumulate in the corners throughout the week, I attempt to do it right. Even if company didn't arrive, I do it anyway just because. We all like a clean house!
I often wonder what others see when they walk in. Do they look at all the unfinished business going on inside? Do they have any idea how it can rattle me to see it undone myself? I KNOW it's clean, but it never looks clean, know what I mean? Ugly is hard to make look good.
But nevertheless, as I wash over my stained peeling floors yet another time, I know it will FEEL and SMELL clean and I love that!
So I get to this place yesterday to where it's permissible for others to venture in the house. My company comes and a remark is made that my truck needs a good wash.
I have a black truck. I've never known anyone that actually owns a black truck that stays black for very long. It was washed 2 days ago and it looked like a mud pit yesterday. So at some point, you have to 'let it go' and be ok with that, for there's many other things in life than having a clean truck 24/7! ( Ok, so the real me would have made the valiant attempt to clean it before my guests arrived, but I was busy with the house and there's only one of me, so...)
I suppose my entire house plays the same mind games on me. I soooo desire to clean it and have it actually LOOK clean! My truck allows me that option but my house doesn't. I have had a new home before once upon a time so I know the difference, painfully well. But to actually have the option to have it look clean, I can barely contain myself! I've suppressed that wish for a very long time and now with the pending changes, I'm allowing myself to revisit that dream from time to time. Hard to imagine it's an upcoming reality.. VERY hard. But makes for a great dream!
I guess until the dust starts to fly, I will continue to have the 'old' overshadow the 'new', or, dirty look vs clean look. But I guess that's what they mean about appreciating the improved change all the more! Have I finally 'earned' the upcoming change? Have I done my appropriate time?!?
So for today, I'll smile as I wash my 'smell and feel clean only' old lino. For one day soon it just may be the last time and a shiney new floor will be smiling back at me...